Cody Loadhog reclined in his chair laughing, for he was on his favorite map and causing quite a stir in solo matchmaking as usual. With one swift flick of his wrist, he had domed the CT as they defused the bomb at the last nanosecond. "Fuck u wallhacki ” the owned player with an annoying nerd voice yelled over voice chat before a slur was drowned out by the bomb exploding.
It was a beautifully executed match-winning move. It was so good that he chuckled to himself, despite being very reserved most of the time. To the casual player, it was merely impressive - but to the seasoned gamer, it appeared as if he was wallhacking. He had rounded the corner with a jump, zoomed in, and blew his head off as if he knew where he already was. But it was just Cody Loadhog’s amazing awareness abilities at work. The shot happened so fast that it was as if he was an Aquarius or Gemini, and him inspecting his rare AWP skin afterwards, was simply to much for the server to handle without raging collectively in a way that made his ear start ringing.
He tabbed out and sat in his chair reflecting in awe on all his amazing round winning clutches, as he stared at his anime wallpaper of waifus with huge boobs holding highly modded and sci-fi like AR15's. He reached for his disposable vape pen and hit it until his room was basically inside a cloud. He stared at his lava lamp, and the wax inside started to look like cleavage, which reminded him of his favorite scene and gave him a huge boner that made him notice he had new grease stains on his shorts.
It was a long day for him . After a bunch of nut vids which he DM'd to a dozen porn bot accounts that had recently followed him, a few cranks in the work bathroom, and a quickie into a sock in his car the way home from work, he couldn’t do it anymore. For many, it was a healthy thing to do occasionally, but for him, it was a way of life, and he finally felt the need to heal his soul and immerse himself in online shooters again.
Despite trying to fight the feeling, he pulled up one of his favorite clips - a scene of a lady which looked like his mom negotiating a lower house price. It wasn't in his bookmarks. It wasn’t even online anymore. After removing an external hard drive from the AC vent in his basement, he reluctantly attached it and waited as his powerful PC read through reams and reams of porn, meticulously catalogued since 2001.
A hover of his cursor over the folder, G:/Media/Wildlife/Raccoon vids/, revealed it to be roughly 17.4TB. After some clicking, he found it. He set the playback speed to .25x, whipped his junk out without hesitation and began pounding it insanely mercilessly, until he suddenly blacked out while using his favorite esoteric technique.
When he awoke he found himself sitting in the corner of a dimly lit room. The lights came on, revealing Sicario Josh Brolin, who then slid a pack of cigarettes across the old fake wood lunch table with folding legs. "Monster or C4," he asked like he was trying to be a huge ass hole already.
"I would love a C4 skittles flavor if possible sir," Cody said with a smirk. To any normal person, tugging away to some OG 240p porn and then waking up in a mysterious clandestine room would be terrifying. But to him, it was extremely cool and exciting, not to mention he was already being offered his favorite energy drink and cigarettes .
"Cut the shit," the mysterious man said. "We know who you are. We know what you *shakes fist* jerk off to, we know you go to the grocery store every morning but you never get actual groceries," he said disappointedly. "It's always some lunchplate or sandwich, energy drinks, and lotto tickets." He leaned back, indicating that he had all day to play interrogation games. "And we need you more than ever," he suddently said very ominously.
Cody could hardly contain his excitement. Despite getting caught jacking off by spooks, and then being abducted against his will and thrown in the back of a black van only to be brought to some CIA safehouse, he thought it was so sick due to being a huge retard. All he could think was that he finally had a purpose. "Like black ops?" he asked like he knew he already had the job.
The spooky man smiled in a nonhuman way and sipped his diet coke. Leaning in, and becoming very serious, he placed the soda can down. "Deep black," he whispered. He stood up and began pacing around in his khaki pants, which were accentuated by his aloha shirt and rainbow sandals which smelled quite soggy He pulled the eggroll Cody had been staring at the whole time from his shirt pocket and took a huge bite where he breathed really loud through his nostrils. "We've seen it all: Lotsa’ JOI, POV titty stuff, those montage clips with music. We know how you operate. Your tempo. And you have the most powerful vibe of any lonewolf style FPS player we’ve ever, fucking kept tabs on.”
COdy almost fell out of his seat. "Saw the… The cardboard stiff cumsocks, the"
"The gas station t-shirts, your old baseball glove," the scruffy guy said finishing his sentence for him. "That's part of the bigger picture, but those AWP shots you always pull off. It's like you are in a different dimension of time, they happen so impossibly fast and accurately... like you are aiming, but also not really aiming." He removed a remote from the desk drawer and turned on a TV mounted on the wall. "This is footage from our special satellites launched by Elon Musk for 'rural internet' haha. Some actually track time anomalies. And when you jack off, these orbital platforms hyperfocus on your location more than anywhere else on our full spectrum geospatial dominance surveillance array. It's like, it’s as if your slowing down time only for you. And we don't have, much time."
"So you're voluntelling me to be a wizard operator that jacks off and kills ppl?" Cody was so happy, this had basically been his lifelong dream due to growing up in a classic era of watching porn and playing tactical shooters. "I have a CQB carbine, I built it myself from hand-picked top of the line components, it's for close quarters work but I can shoot it so far sir" he said quite calmly but passionately. "I love going to the range then coming home and jacking off and playing video games sir," he beamed gleefully, showing his explicitly calm but still able to occasionally express genuine excitement style nature. "I could hit that coke can at 600 yards with just a red dot ."
"That’s why you’re here.” The CIA guy grinned and flipped the remote again, this time opening a door to a walk-in gun safe full of guns that were all perfect clones of his favorite assault weapons from gaming and film. “Lets get to work”.